My shadows of hope

How do I put into words this guilt I feel How do I wash away, this filth I feel. Every pore seems clogged with dirt. Every moment haunted by those I hurt. How do I make you smile again How do I lose these chains I gain. How do I wash this blood away. How do I turn somber night to day. What did I do to deserve this fate To never be loved unto Hell's gate. To never feel sunlight on my face To never know the slightest forgiveness. What do I do now, hated to the end When all I can do is smile and pretend. If by ill fate I am to be marked. Then so be it. Let me be the dark. Let me be the filth, become the crow. Let me be the Lord of the flies. Let me wear the thorny crown. Let me watch as this world dies. Give me pass to torch this world and watch without pity as it burns. As mountains tumble to briny depths. Let me become the king of hell.

She was a woman, in a land of wolves and yet, she did the best she could. Under the circumstances of her birth. She struggled life long with the hurt of seeing every man eye her like a piece of meat. Of the falseness of their smiles, as if sensing the fear that drummed inside her chest. with each heart beat. And she fought still, just to keep alive just to go on with her normal, everyday life. All she asked for in return was a place to be herself, to hide. But even that piece of heaven, to a woman, was denied. Because she is always someone else's problem. She was foisted onto someone else, if she fought them. She was someone else's daughter, wife or mother. Never was she allowed to become herself, to find herself, to see herself in the mirror, her potential. Instead she is kept locked away, and the keys are thrown away, to her utter dismay. She prays, oh how she prays, that someone will listen and life her up, off her knees, on these dismal days. She waits for no prince charmi...

The darkness may seem impenetrable, vast and dreary in it's scope. And you may seem like a prisoner, bound in the chains of your own making. But remember your own strength long forgotten and dormant. Sleeping within you to awaken at your merest command. Give it breath, let it rage, create an inferno to burn it all down. Remember, that a window exists, infinitesimally small though it be. Open it. Allow the light of the world to rush in and expunge this darkness. Let the light of your soul scour the tendrils of darkness from your soul. Hope exists, after all else fails. Hope breathes, after all else falls. Hope. At once strength and weakness. Hope. A weapon for the desperate. Use this weapon. Cut apart what holds you tight to the bosom of mother night. Break free, into eidolon dawn. The darkness may seem impenetrable, but you are no prisoner. And you are not lost. You are merely waiting to be found.

A brother once told me, that we could never die. Our heads could be taken but our bodies would not lie. No peace would come our way No heart would ever beat inside. Our blood could turn to dust No memories to leave behind. But death would never dog us, though he always walked by our side. A brother once told me, that we would never die. And God bless his rotten soul that brother had gotten it right.

I shall not be blind in the darkness nor shall I be lost in the storm. And neither shall the fell winds give me pause, battered though I be by wind and sea. I shall not give into despair nor be shackled by misfortune. A dawn needs blood to rise bold and crimson and I shall feed it more than it needs. The flag of faith shall not dip. Neither shall my belief in my purpose. I shall be the beacon in the stormiest of nights and wildest of seas. I am not alone, though betrayed and abandoned. I am not afraid, though bereft of hope and strength. I shall not give in, though body and spirit both decay. I am the thin red line in the sand. I am the sun, the rallying flag, the battle cry. So bring about the clouds, call to arms my foes. And when I stand, surrounded on all sides, I shall prove my worth that day. I shall prove that I am more than mortal. I am man.

In the name of Narcissus, who withered away face to face with an unattainable reflection of his own perfection. In the name of Hector and Achilles, and the thousands of warriors who died for what you had wrought between a prince and a princess. In the name of the thousands since who have flown off the roofs of tall buildings and consumed the foulest of poisons just to escape your bony grasp. In their names do I curse you today, love. May you forever be just a word. Meaningless. Always to be confused with lust and desire. Always to be spoken but never sincerely. May your adherents see your duplicity And may they bemoan their affliction. May you be the idle plaything of those with no hearts and no remorse. But all this bitterness of history that I bestow upon you and your name Is undone. Each time I look at a mother smile at her child When a father looks proudly at his offspring. And I know that my curse is ineffectual in the face of true love, whose nature knows no curse....

Was it love or hate that drove Mercutio to proclaim a plague  upon both houses even in the throes of death? Was it his looming end? His loss of innocence? His life unfinished and unfulfilled that drove him to speak those fateful dreadful words upon the houses? Was he the true sacrifice at the altar of love so that two star-crossed lovers could be immortalized by millions more? What state of fugue did that mortal wound upon his person drive Mercutio to? Or did, in his final moments, Mercutio see the future clearly? And what their hate would wrought upon the heads of those innocent lovers? And so, in seeing, wish pestilence upon those who would stand in the path of true love?

The tears in my eyes the silence on my lips the cloud over my head the weight upon my shoulders. These are not signs of my sadness These are signs of my defiance. The cracks in my mind the bile on my tongue. The screaming rage in my eyes The sounds of loss in my ears. They exist, plain as day, for all to see. But you'll never see me bend my knees.

Look what stands before you, a child. Untouched by the world, though, in it, he resides. Full of innocence, joy and ever ready to smile. Look what stands before you, child. A world stands arrayed with beauty, love, grandeur and majesty. A world armed with hate heart break and cruel necessity. That batters at the very core of your being. Look what this world asks of you, child. It asks for all you've got. All your joy, your tears, your energy, your very blood. As it greedily laps up the very last dregs of your soul itself. It mires you in cubicles and vicious cycles and asks for gratitude. It destroys ideals at the very real altar of compromise. Look what this world has wrought, a broken child.

I've been there staring the sun going down. Drowning in the waves without a sound. Giving off the last of his light. Going off the deep end without a fight. I've seen the sun go down and I know that just like him I'm running out of life. The years pass and I'm no wiser. Just a whole lot more complicated. And my hair is whiter. My lungs ache my back hurts. And I still haven't found someone I can love and trust. I'm going off the deep end without a fight. I see myself in the mirror and I know the truth that I'm running out of life.

I see you walking away one step at a time. And though I probably should stop you, I don't mind being left behind. Cos its not a a bad thing to be myself again. Cos its not a bad thing to feel that I'm single again. I see you in my dreams with someone else. Someone better than me. And though I should call and ask, if you still love me. I don't mind being your should have been. Cos its not a bad thing to see if the world is the same. And I would love to find if I can be in love again. Its not a bad thing. Its not a bad thing to be single again. Its not a bad thing. Its great to feel like myself again.

I see the storm in your eyes the boiling confusion deep inside. I see the way you twist and turn desperate to escape, desperate to run. Away from me and all we stood for away from our love and all it meant. Yet here I stand, in the dust of your passing. You were heaven sent. At the moment of my deepest despair when my world felt beyond repair. You came and made it all better. You made me believe it was going to be ok, Yet here I am, in the dust of your passing. Asking why. Although I know. I know exactly why. And that's what  makes it so hard to say Goodbye.

I feel the wind upon my face and I just want to fly off the ground But I've still strings hooked into me and I've gotta hang around. For you see, this noose around my neck It keeps me, from losing my head. And so I hang, from the highest branch dangling in the breeze wanting to fly. But all I can do, from my fell perch, is look with eyeless sockets at that blue sky.

I could be your boy and you could be my girl. I could be your sky and you could be my earth. We could make a world We could make it fun We could be the gods We could be the prophesied one. I could be your man and you could be my joy. You could stop my rage and I could stop making your cry. We could have had it all We could have made it last. We could have had paradise But its all in the past. Cos you grew weary and the real world called. So you said your farewells and my whole world stalled. Now I'm searching for the dust of the place. Where I last saw you, Where I last kissed your lips. I could have been your boy and you could have been my joy. But now the springs are all rusted and Jack is just a broken toy.

I see the burning sun rising I see the picture on the wall. I feel the weight on my shoulders. I hear the innocent voices call. I feel the light begin to burn. I feel the shadows on the move. I want to run and hide but Where can I run and what can I do. I wanted peace and love, my dear. In your arms I only wanted to be safe. But I can't have what I want. I can never have the things that I crave. Only the moon and the shadows. Only those whose lives are half lived. They understand what life is to me. They get what I've left to give. My thoughts and deeds are done with. My bones are dust upon the wind. My soul is tired and it longs for rest. Something has just got to give.

The bones are old and brittle The air rasps weary and stale. And strength is sapped from the shoulders of men. But the girl remembers. The swords are rusted and the shields lay splintered. And armies lay buried under ground, cold and grey. But the bears remember. The sun and the sky are bowed under the burden of the night. And the shadows loom o'er hearth and hearts. But the Lady, she remembered. She remembered, as had her people, that there is but one King. One King of the North. And his name is Stark.

Once the soul was pure and had wings and could soar into heaven. But then came man. And spoke the first lie. And now the weight of that first lie binds us to the ground. To the basest of feelings, to the darkest of days. And it is only through the suffering of man that we shall be purified of that first sin. Once the air was pure and the grass was green and the trees proud and the seas and tides untouched. But then came man. With axe and fire. With spear and gunpowder. With hate in his heart and fear in his dreams. All the world soon shared that feverish dream. And all the world soon shared his fears.

There are people from the rooftops Yelling at me to listen up. Seems like they've got something to say but all they spew is vitriol and hate. They say that God has got a grand plan They say that, that plan, we cannot understand. They say that, everything is black and white. They say that, only what they say is right. There are people yelling from the rooftops Eyes blazing like they 1000 watts They promising me paradise and the only cost to get there is my life.

You are supposed to adore me To believe in me. Restore me. Don't put me up on a pedestal. Just hold me. When I'm ragin against the world control me. When the cold wind blows across my brows humor an old dog like me. I'm not all bad I've just never had no one place so much faith on me. Fait accompli. But I'm still weak sometimes. Brittle as glass and just as sharp. When I hurt you with my words Just hold me. Don't scold me. Don't push me away towards the old me. I need you now, more than ever. So coddle me, keep me loved, keep me harmless, keep me chained up. Woof! Woof! I'd rather be brain dead Than alone again. Draining the bitter dregs of life from a broken cup. These words that I spit up. They aren't easy for someone like me to say But I can't stop. Can't give you up.

There seems to be no end No light at the end of the tunnel. No sign that this darkness is stopping. Despite all the good will, the pleas I'm coppin. All these anti anxiety pills that I'm popping. All these things I don't need, but I'm still shopping. Still hoping. Still living and breathing. Still hopping. Hoping that there won't be no scratch marks on the underside of the lid of my coffin. No regrets to leave behind, No friends  to come calling. No enemies neither. No one I'll leave behind crying or laughing. Nothing but a whole bunch of words that I'm tossing. The ink drips in torrents from my fingers but ain't no one around to do the mopping.. People see my scars, but all they do is their scoffing. There lies another derelict, come crawling to life bawling. Small fry. Ain't nothing but a failure. His success story is always stalling. Into pieces I can see everything around me, my whole life is falling. I'm trying to stop it...

Red are the skies on this day Red is the blood that follows. Red is the rain that falls and pools. Red are the wounds that lay me hollow. Red is the regret that grows and gnaws. Red are the fingers scrabbling away. Red is the distant hope of freedom. Red are the lips that lie the night away. Red is my death Red are my dreams, filled with hatred. Red are the final screams that echo. And, in the end, all that is left is red.